140. How to Find More Peace in Parenting

If you've been parenting in performance mode — measuring yourself against impossible standards, running the replay of every imperfect moment, trying harder and feeling worse — this episode is your exhale. In this follow-up to Episode 135 on perfectionism, Leigh unpacks what she calls the Performance Trap: the invisible pressure to parent like you're always on stage. Using the Five Pillars of the Resiliency System, she walks through what actually shifts when moms stop performing and start simply being present — and why that shift is not a lowering of standards, but the very thing that makes everything easier. You'll come away with a clear understanding of why performance mode works against you, and practical tools for returning to your own center — calmer, more connected, and more like yourself.

If you'd like to get the show notes for this episode, head to:

 https://leighgermann.com

Transcript

If you've ever felt like the harder you try to be a good mom, the more exhausted and pressured you feel — you're not alone and you're not failing. Today we're talking about why performance mode quietly steals our peace and how letting go of it is actually the most powerful thing we can do for us and for our kids. This is Leadership Parenting: How to Find More Peace in Your Parenting.

Did you know that resilience is the key to confidence and joy? As moms, it's what we want for our kids, but it's also what we need for ourselves. My name is Leigh Germann. I'm a therapist and I'm a mom. Join me as we explore the skills you need to know to be confident and joyful, and get ready to teach these skills to your kids. This is Leadership Parenting, where you learn how to lead your family by showing them the way.

A couple of weeks ago, I did an episode on perfectionism. We talked about what it actually is, where it comes from, and why it shows up so powerfully in our parenting sometimes. And more than a few of you asked if we could keep going on this topic. So that's exactly what we're going to do today. We're going to extend our conversation around that pressure we feel to do things really well and to perform.

But before we move forward, I want to do a quick recap, because if you missed that episode, I want you to have the foundation — and maybe just a reminder. So perfectionism in parenting isn't about trying to be perfect. It's really not about needing to look good or have it all together. Perfectionism in parenting really comes from love. We want our kids to be okay — happy, healthy, secure. And because that matters so much, we hold ourselves to an impossibly high standard.

Researchers describe perfectionism as having two sides. One side is actually healthy — high standards, caring deeply, wanting to grow as a parent and protect our kids. That part is not the problem. The problem is the other side — the self-doubt, the self-criticism, what researchers call concerns — that voice that fixates on the gap between the parent you think you should be and the reality of ordinary daily life that's where we all actually live. That's the side that creates anxiety and shame and burnout. That's the side we're talking about.

That's the quick recap. If you want to go into this in more detail, please go back and listen to episode 135. You'll hear my excitement about being able to finally feel like I can really explain what perfectionism is and how important it is that we understand it. Go listen, get a refresher on that.

Because understanding perfectionism is one thing, right? Today we're going to talk about how do we live differently. That's where we're going to go today.

And the place I want to start is with something I call the performance trap, because that's what I think we're talking about when parenting starts to feel heavy. You know, we wake up with good intentions, right? I'm going to be patient today. I'm going to stay calm. I'm going to handle the morning routine without losing it. And then real life happens. We've got kids that we're managing and lots of little different personalities. And sometimes things just don't go the way that we want them to go. And immediately — sometimes almost immediately — the inner critic arrives. You failed again. Other moms have it together. Why is this so hard for you?

And what's really happening in that moment is that you're parenting with an audience that you can never, ever please. And that audience is made up of curated highlights and perfect expectations and every expert you've ever read or listened to — and often they contradict each other. Have you noticed that? And maybe even your own impossibly high standards for yourself.

And when parenting becomes about your performance, something happens in the nervous system that makes the whole thing harder. What we know from attachment science and nervous system research is this: when we feel evaluated and judged — even when we're the ones doing the judging — our bodies move into protection mode. We become more rigid, more reactive, less creative, less curious. So the performance trap doesn't just make you feel bad. It literally makes parenting harder. It steals everything that you care about and that you're trying so hard to do well.

So how did we get here? Because I don't think this is just a personal problem. I think it's a cultural one. And naming it really matters — and knowing you are in a village of women that are struggling with this, instead of isolated and having it happen to you alone.

I think we can get a little idea of where this comes from. And when you have an idea of where it comes from, you can start to be aware of it. This is what we're doing when we look at preparing for or dealing with a trap — we want to see it. We want to know how not to step into it. And if we do step into it, we want to know why and how we got in there and how we can get out.

So I think part of our problem is that we live in a comparison culture unlike anything parents have ever experienced before. We're seeing moments that are curated — kind of handpicked from hundreds, maybe thousands of families, some that we know, some that we don't. And our brains are unconsciously trying to match and sort and measure ourselves against all of these, sometimes all at once. And this is a subconscious experience. It's not that you're sitting down when you look at social media or when you watch a show on TV or even when you're watching your friends interacting with their families and consciously choosing to do this — but we are built to compare. It's how we survive as a species. And so when we are overwhelmed or bombarded with so much comparison, especially in our culture today, everyday parenting is going to feel like we're falling short. It's not a flaw in you. It's kind of just math, right?

Second, I think we have information overload. We're parenting with 15 experts in our ears — podcasts, books, Instagram, pediatricians, well-meaning family members — often saying similar, but also often saying different things. And underneath all of it is this subtle, constant message that if we're not doing it that way, we may be doing it wrong.

Third, and this one I feel deeply — I think we've lost our village. Parenting used to happen in community, whether it was your family or your neighbors. And if you're fortunate enough to have family around and neighbors around, you may be protected or insulated from this. But a lot of us don't have that village. And when you have community around you, other adults can also see the messy moments that are happening in your life — and you're going to see it in theirs. And that normalizes it. They help out. We help each other. And now many of us are parenting in much more isolation while being exposed to constant evaluation. That's a tricky combination that enhances the stress that comes from that situation. And that combination is genuinely hard on us.

And then finally, I'll just touch on this — I think we all have our own story as well. Maybe we grew up with criticism. Maybe you're determined to do better than what you experienced. Maybe you even had really great parenting and you feel pressure to make sure you're doing it the same way your parents did it for you. Once again, high standards are not the problem. It's just that if we're not aware that we're measuring, we can feel that subtle — or even intense — pressure that weighs down on us and causes us to have a harder time feeling good about what we're doing in our parenting.

So the result of all of these things — I think of it as the performance parent trap. Always on stage. Always being evaluated. And the harshest critic in the room is almost always me.

After 30 years of working with families and after raising my own kids, here's what I know to be true about what our children actually need from us. They don't need us to be perfect. They don't need us to match other people. They need us to be safe and secure. From everything we know through attachment research, children thrive when they feel seen, valued, and secure in their sense of belonging — to you, to me, to their families. That's it. That's the foundation everything else builds on.

All of the parenting experts — and I would add my voice to that list — it really doesn't matter so much as long as your kids feel connected to you.

This is why I talk about those two jobs of parenting. Unconditional love and acceptance is job one. Your kids need to know in their bones that they belong to you. Not because they make you proud, but because they're yours. That belonging has to feel like a given, not something they have to work to earn.

And job two is teaching and guiding — skills, boundaries, expectations. All of that really does matter, but it's secondary. And it works best when your attachment and your connection — that job one — is solid.

Here's the problem with performance mode. When you're focused on getting parenting right all the time — meeting those standards, not messing up — your attention is on outcomes, on appearances, on skills being measured. Maybe even on your own internal monologue, right? And your child can feel that your attention isn't fully on them. And your own attention isn't on that sweet, almost automatic relationship that — if we can just lean into it — we'll find that loving feeling we have for our children, and we can really keep that connection tight. And that is the core that's going to help our kids feel secure and also help us iron out that stress we feel in our parenting.

I see this play out so often. A mom is trying so hard to do everything right that her child can sense the anxiety underneath it. And kids can feel managed instead of loved — when they really are loved. Isn't that the irony? That they're feeling evaluated instead of seen and accepted.

I think when job one is solid, job two gets so much easier. Kids who feel genuinely secure are often more cooperative. I know it's not always that linear, but one thing we do know as we're teaching children skills is that kids learn when they feel safe and secure. And when they make mistakes, they need that attachment to help them recover. It makes them more open to our guidance and our teaching.

So let's talk about what this actually looks like. How do we step off that performance stage and still do both of our jobs well? I want to walk you through this using the five pillars of the resiliency system, because this isn't about trying harder. It's about creating internal safety for you first. These are the platforms I want you to be able to stand on and rely upon — in every area of your life and also in your parenting.

So our first pillar is self-awareness. We start here because everything else depends on this one. We can't shift what we can't see.

What I want you to notice is when you're drifting into self-evaluation — when you notice that you're standing slightly outside of yourself and there's a commentary going on about how you're doing. And it's usually pretty negative. You're judging yourself, comparing yourself, watching yourself, grading yourself. That's the performance. It happens so automatically, so quietly, we don't even realize we've crossed into it.

For me, the signal is a shift in what I'm paying attention to. When I start thinking about how things should look instead of how they're feeling — in our home, in my behavior — when I notice I'm more focused on whether I'm being a good mom than on actually being integrated and involved with my kids, that's my cue. I've drifted. And now I'm evaluating myself instead of leaning into my relationship with my kids.

You're going to have your own signal. Maybe it's something in your body — a tightening in your chest. Maybe it's when that critical voice in your head gets loud. Maybe you catch yourself replaying a moment from earlier in the day and building a case against yourself. I do that too.

Learning to recognize your specific signal — that's the whole work of self-awareness. The thing about noticing is that it creates just a little pause, a little gap, a little moment of — oh, I'm in performance mode right now. I'm drifting into perfectionism. That's all we're looking for — to interrupt the pattern. Not fix it. Not even try to do it differently. Just see it.

I call this catch it and name it. Just notice it, no judgment, and then say what it is. I'm in performance mode. My inner critic's running things right now.

Here's what the research shows us: simply putting words to what's happening has a real, measurable calming effect on your nervous system. Cognitive labeling — that's the name of it — quiets your emotional brain and keeps you in your upper thinking brain, where you can actually figure out what you want to do instead of just react. And this small act of self-awareness is what opens the door to all of the other pillars of resilience that we're going to talk about next.

So the second pillar is self-talk. That voice inside your head — it has a tone. Have you noticed it? It could be really kind and encouraging. It could be neutral sometimes. It could be really harsh — harsher than we would ever be with another person.

When we're in performance mode or perfectionism, that voice can get really loud. I'm failing. I should be further along. Why can't I just hold it together? Other moms don't do this.

Here's what I want you to understand about that voice. It's not telling you the truth. It's telling you a story. A story that was probably written a long time ago — from criticism you picked up somewhere, or standards you internalized, or a hundred messages that said you weren't enough in other situations. And your brain, because it's really trying to protect you, keeps replaying it and inserting it.

And here's the part that changes everything. The story has a direct line to your nervous system. Self-critical thoughts activate the stress response in the body just as surely as a real threat would — which means the voice that's supposed to push you to do better is actually making it harder to do better. It's keeping you in a state where patience is harder to have, clarity is harder to access, and connection is harder to feel.

So what do you do with it? I don't want you to try to silence it, because that really doesn't work. What I want you to do is catch it and recognize that you can choose to pay attention to it — or you can choose a different thought.

When you hear I'm failing, I want you to try I'm learning. When you hear I should be better, I want you to try this is hard and I am still showing up. When you hear why can't I just get this right? I want you to try my kids don't need me to be perfect. They just need me.

That's not positive thinking. That's actually a neurological shift. You're interrupting a self-critical thought and replacing it with something that's true and rational and kind. You're changing the signal your brain is sending to your body, and you will feel differently. And from that different place — a safer place — you're going to be able to think more clearly and choose more rationally what you want to do next.

The goal isn't to have a perfectly positive inner voice. It's to choose what thoughts you want to focus on and maybe even which thoughts you want to substitute.

Okay, third pillar — self-compassion. There's a concept in developmental psychology called good enough parenting. Now, when you're talking about perfectionism, good enough parenting sounds like an epic fail, doesn't it? But here's what good enough parenting actually is: it's responsive parenting. It means you respond to your kids. It's loving parenting. It's being as consistent as you possibly can — not perfect. That's the sweet spot. That's what we know children actually need. Good enough parents.

Research supports us here. Most of us have never been given permission — let alone the idea — that this is okay, that this should be what we're shooting for. And I would say most of us look at our kids and try to convince them that we're just looking for good enough, not perfection. We try really hard to support them and let them mess up. If you study growth mindset, we're actually trying to teach our kids how to make mistakes and not have it break them.

When we mess up as a mom — when we lose our patience, when we say things we swear we would never say, when we feel like we're failing — what do we do to ourselves? For most of us, it sounds nothing like what we would say to our kids. It sounds more like: what's wrong with you? You should know better. Why can't you just hold it together?

Once again, that voice activates our stress response and we don't feel safe. We get into a threat state. It makes it hard to be the parent we want to be. And we think self-criticism pushes us to do better. It's just not true. We have so many studies that show us that that is mistaken.

Self-compassion isn't letting ourselves off the hook. It's a powerful nervous system regulator. And that's how I want you to think about it. I need to regulate my nervous system, so I need to give myself some kindness and some compassion right now. As soon as I do that, I'm going to feel calmer — and then I can get to work and be the parent I want to be. I'm going to say the same thing I would say to my kid. And when I do that, something's going to shift. I'm not going to feel as threatened. I'm going to be able to have another go at this, moment to moment — even make a repair, grow in my parenting skills. It makes a huge difference and it helps us get out of those traps we fall into as moms.

Okay, fourth pillar — self-care. If you've been studying with me, you know self-care is not about frilly, fluffy things. What I mean when I say self-care is that your nervous system needs to come out of performance mode regularly. It needs basic things so that it can function well — not as a reward for getting things done, not as extras, not a luxury, but a non-negotiable part of how you function every day.

Because when we run on empty — when we're not getting food, not getting sleep, not getting movement, not getting time to ourselves — we lose the ability to feel good. Chronic stress occurs inside our bodies, it dulls our internal signals, and then we stop noticing that we're depleted. And then we get more depleted. And we run on fumes, wondering why we can't function the way we've dreamed of functioning.

Guilt moves in and convinces us that meeting our own needs is a betrayal of the people we love. And it's just not true. Self-care in the way I mean it is simply taking care of yourself — just being a person. We need to keep you fueled and restored. When your reservoir is even a little fuller, everything changes. Your patience, your presence, your ability to be calm — all of those things you're working so hard to do as a mom.

So I want to ask you something. Have you had even a small piece of that time and that care lately? I'm not talking a big vacation — just a walk around the block by yourself once in a while. Breakfast. Seven hours of sleep. Ten minutes where nobody needed anything from you. If the answer is no — or not in a long time, or not regularly — that's important information. It's worth asking yourself: what's one small thing I can do to take care of myself this week? Promise me you'll ask yourself that question. You need this. You deserve this. Pick one thing.

And our fifth pillar is self-protection. This one is bigger than it might sound, so stay with me. Self-protection is really about one thing: learning to recognize what you need, how to handle stress internally, and how to deal with stress externally. And part of that is boundaries — the practical decisions to say yes to the things that matter to you and no to the things that cost you more than you have to give. Whether that's stepping back from a commitment you can't carry anymore, or walking away from a conversation that leaves you feeling worse about yourself as a mom.

Protecting your peace and your stress level is protecting your parenting as well. You can't pour from a body and a nervous system that never gets to rest.

So here are a few gentle shifts I want to offer you. Not assignments — just invitations. See what you could try on and what fits.

The next time you catch yourself measuring your parenting against someone else's, instead try asking: what do I actually need right now? What does my family actually need? That question pulls you back to yourself and your own family. Back to reality.

Before you implement a new strategy or add something to your parenting toolkit, ask yourself: is this about connection or is it about performance? Sometimes the best parenting move is to just put down the instruction book and sit on the floor and be with your kid. You don't have to prove you're a good mom. You just have to show up and connect. Relax into it.

The proving, the comparing, the meeting every challenge perfectly — it's exhausting. But being you with your children, that is sustainable. And it's actually way more enjoyable.

When moms begin to let go of the performance, something beautiful opens up. They stop second-guessing themselves constantly. And I bet if you look at the history of your parenting, you'll see that evolution — where you can start trusting that this is a long-term game. You have time. This doesn't have to be perfect. It's okay to make decisions based on your actual family, your real children, your real values — instead of what looks right from the outside.

I hear over and over: I am exhausted from trying to do this right. Here's what I want you to know: the exhaustion is not evidence that you're doing it wrong. It's evidence that you care. And you are not alone. That exhaustion isn't evidence that you're doing it wrong. It's just evidence that you care about things so deeply. And I believe that you deserve to carry and experience that care in a way that doesn't cost you so much.

So we will keep talking about ways to step out of this trap — avoid it, get out of it when we fall into it. I'm working on creating more support this year — both one-on-one coaching for moms who want personalized guidance, and I'm getting really close to launching a group space where we can rebuild some of that missing village together and walk through the resilience skills so that we can feel equipped and empowered and let go of this kind of ball and chain of perfectionism and stress that is bringing us down. I will share way more about that soon. I'm really excited about it.

For now, here is your invitation. Step off the stage. Let go of the performance. Come back to just being you. That's who your kids really need. You — exactly as you are, in this exact season, with all of it, messy as it may be.

You are already enough.

I'm sending my love to you. I hope that this answers a few of those questions. We'll talk more and more about it as we go on. Thanks for spending time with me this week. I will talk to you next time. Take care.

The Leadership Parenting Podcast is for general information purposes only. It is not therapy and should not take the place of meeting with a qualified mental health professional. The information on this podcast is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition, illness, or disease. It's also not intended to be legal, medical, or therapeutic advice. Please consult your doctor or mental health professional for your individual circumstances.