139. The Parenting Skill That Works Better Than Any Strategy

You've read the books. You've tried the strategies. And sometimes they work — and sometimes, for reasons you can't quite explain, they completely fall flat. In this episode, Leigh Germann reveals why: because the most important parenting skill isn't a method. It's understanding. When we truly study our child — their patterns, their triggers, their sensitivities, what lights them up and what shuts them down — everything shifts. We stop reacting and start responding. We stop seeing a problem and start seeing a person. Leigh walks listeners through a two-part observation framework she's used with parents for decades, and explores what it means to parent from curiosity instead of fear. If you've ever felt like you're doing everything right and it's still not working, this episode is for you.

If you'd like to get the show notes for this episode, head to:

 https://leighgermann.com

Transcript

Welcome to Leadership Parenting

Today we’re talking about why studying your child might be the most important parenting skill there is—and how to do it in a way that actually makes parenting easier and so much more peaceful. This is Leadership Parenting: The Most Important Parenting Skill No One Talks About.

Did you know that resilience is the key to confidence and joy? As moms, it’s what we want for our kids—but it’s also what we need for ourselves. My name is Leigh Germann. I’m a therapist and I’m a mom. Join me as we explore the skills you need to know to be confident and joyful, and then get ready to teach these skills to your kids. This is Leadership Parenting, where you learn how to lead your family by showing them the way.

Hey friends, welcome back to the Leadership Parenting Podcast. Today we’re talking about something that trips up all of us as parents—I think everyone I’ve ever worked with has experienced this. It’s that moment when you try a parenting strategy that worked beautifully for another family, but then it completely falls apart in your own home. Maybe you followed all the steps, you were consistent, and your child looked at you like you were speaking a foreign language. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you might have started wondering, What am I doing wrong?

I want to answer that today, because most of the time, the answer is: nothing. The strategy wasn’t wrong—it just wasn’t built for your child. And that changes everything about how we approach parenting.

Back in the 1950s, two researchers, Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess, did something that sounds obvious now but was groundbreaking at the time. They followed 133 children from infancy into adulthood and documented something parents had quietly known all along: children come into the world already wired differently. Different temperaments, different sensitivities, different energy levels, different stress responses, and different learning styles. They identified nine temperament traits—things like intensity, adaptability, and mood—and found these traits were present from birth and relatively stable over time.

What that means practically is this: two children raised in the same house, by the same parents, with the same rules, can respond to those rules in completely opposite ways. Neither child is broken or difficult or wrong. They’re just built differently.

When we forget that, parenting becomes a guessing game. We keep trying strategies and wondering why they don’t stick. But when we remember it—when we start asking, Who is my particular child? instead of Why won’t they comply?—something shifts. We stop trying to force our child into a preset system, and we start learning how our specific child actually works.

So here’s the first thing I want to say: our children are not problems to fix. Your child is a person to understand.

Researcher Ross Greene spent decades studying children labeled as difficult or defiant, and what he kept finding was this: kids do well when they can. When a child is struggling behaviorally, it’s almost always because they’re missing a skill—not because they’re trying to make your life hard. That’s a powerful shift. It moves us out of a power struggle and into a problem-solving posture. Instead of asking, Why won’t my child listen? we start asking, What does my child not yet know how to do?

I’ve seen this in my own life. I have five children, and all five have different styles, different ways of processing, and different needs. There were moments where I thought, I know what I’m doing. I understand development. Why is this not working for this child when it worked so well for another?

That question led me into deeper research, and I came across a book that really shifted my thinking: One Mind at a Timeby Dr. Mel Levine. He showed that most schools—and often parents—cling to a one-size-fits-all approach. But children don’t all learn or respond the same way. He helped parents identify individual learning patterns so they could strengthen a child’s abilities and work around areas of struggle.

I often think of it like trying to fit different-sized feet into one shoe. Some kids fit easily. Others don’t—and not because there’s something wrong with them, but because the shoe wasn’t made for them.

This changed how I parent and how I coach parents. I see moms come in overwhelmed and discouraged because what worked before isn’t working now. They feel like they’re failing. They feel hurt. Sometimes they even feel like their child is working against them.

At some point, I made a decision—one I want you to consider too. If your child is struggling to meet expectations, we assume they’re lacking a skill. Then it becomes our job to figure out what’s missing and how to teach it in a way that works for them.

Understanding your child requires curiosity. Think about how a good pediatrician approaches a child—they observe, they ask questions, they notice patterns before drawing conclusions. That’s what we want to do as parents. Not clinically, but curiously. Almost like asking, Who are you? And how do you work?

When you first hold your baby, they are a mystery. They come with a personality you don’t yet know. You help shape their environment—you provide love and safety—but you don’t get to choose their temperament. They come wired as they are. And your job is to discover who they are and support them.

This means becoming a student of your child.

Here’s a practice I give parents when they feel stuck. Start with a notebook. First, write down everything that worries you about your child’s behavior—the big things, the small things, when it happens, what it looks like, and why it concerns you. Get it out of your head and onto paper. Our brains are wired to focus on threat, so this helps clear that mental noise.

Then begin looking for patterns. What happens right before the behavior? Are there triggers—certain times, situations, or people? What is your response, and what does your child do next? Do they escalate, withdraw, or calm down?

Now you’re moving into investigator mode. Instead of reacting moment to moment, you’re observing the full sequence—like watching a game from above. You begin to see patterns you can actually work with.

I also want you to notice what’s happening in your own body. Where do you feel tension? What meaning are you attaching to your child’s behavior? Sometimes our fear—about their future, their character, their relationships—becomes bigger than the behavior itself. That emotional overlay can interfere with how we respond.

At this stage, we’re not fixing anything. We’re not judging. We’re just observing. And yes, that can be uncomfortable—but it’s essential if we want to respond with intention instead of reactivity.

After this first step, we shift the lens. Now we look for what’s going right. Document the moments your child handles things well—the times they follow directions, play nicely, show kindness, or manage something independently. Even the small things we’ve come to expect.

We often overlook these because our brain is scanning for problems. But when we only focus on what’s wrong, we lose perspective. This step brings balance back. It helps you see your whole child.

By the time parents complete both steps, something important has happened. They’ve shifted into observer mode. They’ve stepped out of fear. And their child—who once felt like a constant battle—starts to look like what they really are: a developing person with strengths, learning skills they don’t yet have.

Then we add the developmental lens. Sometimes what worries us is simply developmentally normal. The child isn’t refusing—they haven’t mastered the skill yet. That distinction matters.

When we understand where our child actually is—rather than where we wish they were—we can adjust our expectations. And when we do that, everything softens. Parents relax. The relationship improves. The child feels safer.

From there, we come back to the two jobs of parenting. First, to love your child unconditionally and communicate that love consistently. Second, to help them learn the skills they don’t yet have.

This means we stop taking behavior personally and start teaching instead of just correcting. Yes, sometimes there are consequences—but our focus shifts to growth.

Here’s where it stretches us: your child may not receive love the way you naturally give it. They may not respond to instructions the way you naturally communicate. Some kids need structure, some need choice, some need movement, some need time.

So the question becomes: who adapts—you or your child?

In parenting, it has to be us.

That doesn’t mean lowering expectations. It means adjusting how we teach so they can meet them. We are the ones with the capacity for flexibility and self-awareness.

This is what I mean by servant leadership in parenting. It’s not soft—it’s demanding. It asks us to set aside our assumptions and meet the child in front of us.

So here’s your challenge this week: become a student of your child. Watch them. Notice what lights them up and what shuts them down. Notice when they feel close and when they pull away. Don’t fix—just learn.

Wise parents study their children. The more you understand the person in front of you, the more confident and effective you’ll become.

Try this idea. Let it settle in your mind. Notice what feels helpful. My goal is that you feel more empowered, more grounded, and more hopeful in your parenting.

Thank you for being here. I’m so grateful we get to do this work together—helping our children feel safe while also building the skills they need to become strong, confident adults. I’ll see you next week.

If these ideas resonate with you but you’re not sure how to apply them in your own life, you don’t have to do it alone. I’m opening a few one-to-one coaching spots for moms who are ready for personalized support. We take everything we talk about here and tailor it to your life, your story, and your goals. If that sounds like what you need, head to leighgermann.com and click on one-to-one coaching. We’ll set up a free call to explore what’s next for you.

The Leadership Parenting Podcast is for general informational purposes only. It is not therapy and should not replace working with a qualified mental health professional. The information shared is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition and is not medical, legal, or therapeutic advice. Please consult your provider for your individual needs.

Thanks again for being here. Take care.