128. How To Calm Down Fast When You Feel Overwhelmed

In this episode of the Leadership Parenting Podcast, I’m talking about something almost every mom experiences but rarely feels safe admitting: moments when your emotions feel so big that you wonder, “What is wrong with me?”

I explain why this happens from a nervous system perspective, how chronic stress and emotional load shrink our ability to regulate, and why big emotions are not a sign of weakness — they are actually your body’s stress signature calling for care, safety, and compassion.

Then I guide you through a simple, science-backed 3-step reset you can use anywhere — in your kitchen, your car, your bathroom, or your bed — to bring yourself out of emotional overwhelm and back into calm, grounded presence.

This episode is for any mom who feels like she’s carrying too much, feeling too much, and trying too hard to “hold it together.” You are not broken. You are overloaded. And this episode will show you how to meet yourself with gentleness instead of judgment

If you'd like to get the show notes for this episode, head to:

 https://leighgermann.com

Transcript

Hello everyone and welcome back. I'm so glad to spend some more time with you as we talk about something that I really think hits us hard as moms. I want to ask you about this. Have you ever had a moment where your emotions just feel like they're too big? Like you really get overwhelmed by them? I don't know about you. I have this happen to me a lot. And even though I'm trained in this, you would think that that training would mean that I don't ever struggle with it. But guess what? We can't train out of being human. And humans walk around with a lot of things we care about and a lot of feelings, and a body that gets very sensitive and overwhelmed when we have those feelings, and we can get all of that sensation of it just being too big. And tears can come out of nowhere, and we can get angry, so angry sometimes that it's scary and hopelessness. Have you ever felt that really heavy in your chest? Like just all of a sudden, like there's just no way this is gonna get better. Or maybe you just have that sensation of where you shut down and you feel really numb. In that moment, what you're experiencing is a nervous system response. But you know what most of us do? We don't see that as normal. We ask ourselves, what the heck is wrong with me? And I want to answer that question right up front. The answer is nothing. Nothing is wrong with you, nothing's wrong with me. Our nervous system simply believes that in that moment we are in great danger. And our body is responding. The only way it knows how to keep us safe. We either get activated and overwhelmed by all those feelings and angry and tearful and hopeless, or we shut down and we get that numb feeling. So today I want to teach you three simple steps to reset, to bring yourself out of emotional overwhelm without judgment, without shame, without having to feel like you have to be fixed. But first I want to talk about what's actually happening in these moments when this is going on.

I think emotions feel bigger in moms. Maybe that's just because I work with moms exclusively, but I just think that we get targeted with such bigger feelings. I think we carry a lot, constant responsibility. We have all this emotional weight, this labor of love that we carry, invisible mental loads, pressure to get it right. We're worrying about the future. And we're loving. We're loving so deeply. And this creates a low-level stress in our body day after day and week after week. And I think eventually our body says, I can't hold all this anymore. It's like a cup that's slowly, steadily filling, filling, filling. And then whatever the last drop is, it causes us to spill over. What that means is that when we have constant low-level stress, our capacity to regulate our emotions actually gets smaller and smaller. Not because we're weak, but because our system gets overloaded quicker and quicker. So first let me just lay a concept out there that I think has helped me a ton. Big emotions are not weakness. We don't like them if they're negative. I mean, if they're positive, we love them. But when they're negative emotions, meaning emotions we don't enjoy feeling because they're big and they often cause us discomfort, they are not a sign of weakness. They are literally just data. They're signals. They're part of our body's internal alert system. They're things that try to get our attention. I need care, I need safety, I need gentleness, I am tapped out, I am overwhelmed, my cup is running over, and not in a blessing kind of a way. And instead of trying to silence all these feelings, our goal is to learn how to listen to those feelings with compassion. Allow them to come, allow them to be here when we're experiencing them.

So, right from the start, we're looking at this experience that we tend to shy away from or kind of run away from or dread having. I want you to change how you look at that situation. I don't want you to be afraid of it. And I want you to think about how we're learning to see our children's big emotions as something for us to not be afraid of. And also something that we need to not squash, that we need to not shame them for, that we need to not threaten them out of. And I think sometimes we do that for other people, kids, and our partners and adults, because we actually think about that ourselves. We don't like to have those feelings in ourselves. And we often feel shame and disgust, even that we have those big emotions. So what I want to do is normalize that and say, if you're a human, you're gonna have big emotions. If you told me you never had big emotions, I would be terribly worried about you. So let's take this as a new start, a guilt-free start.

Now, I know what causes us problems is that when those big emotions come, we often don't know what to do with them. We often act out on them. So if we have big anger, if we have big fear, then sometimes our behavior can be something that shows that big anger or that big fear. We might pick something up and throw it down. We might raise our voice and yell. We might storm out of a room. We might actually even say things, yelling or not, that come from a threat center in our brain instead of our normal, rational center of our brain. This is usually what bothers us most about these big feelings. I want you to remember things happen. We have thoughts about them. They cause feelings. Those feelings are meant to cause us to act. This is the section of that thought formula that we're talking about today. When you have big feelings, the tendency is that you're going to want to act on them. And I know most of us don't act on them. And that's part of what's so exhausting about this is that we're kind of stuck with all these big feelings, and we know we're not supposed to yell or throw things or storm out of a room or shut down, go lie in bed and pull the covers up over our heads and kind of hide away from the world. We're not supposed to do that, right? We're the parent in the home, we're leading, we're in charge of everyone. So what are we supposed to do when we have these big feelings?

Well, I want to give you three steps to implement to help you know what to do with these big feelings. And here's my caveat on that. These three steps are not going to make big feelings not show up. Remember, they're for the big feelings. So the first thing we're looking at is accepting you're going to have big feelings. I'm so sorry, you guys. I know, I wish that I could learn something that I could teach you that would tell you that you don't have to have those big feelings anymore. The closest we could get is learning to work with our thoughts. We do this so much, don't we, in the work that we're learning here, the resilience training that I'm sharing with you. We work a lot on our thoughts. And I will say that the better you get at understanding and working with your thought patterns and knowing what to do when they come up and they start triggering these big feelings, that is the place where you're gonna be able to learn to not have so many big feelings. So I guess I should retract what I just said. I can teach you how to not have so many big feelings, but I can't make you eliminate them entirely. And that would make us not human. That would make you unusually weird. And we don't want that. You're gonna have big feelings. And our first step, really, before I tell you about this strategy of three steps, I think our first goal is to start to look at that with such different compassion. I know I already said that, but I want to say it again. We've got to be more compassionate.

Okay, the three steps. I think they're simple enough to use in your kitchen, your car, your bathroom, maybe in your bed if you're starting to feel that way. I hope if you're in your bed having these big emotions, you might need to get up and just walk around a little bit and let some of the energy discharge. But these steps help you work with the emotions, right? We're not eliminating them, we're learning to work with them. So let's talk about step one. I want you to be aware and name the state. I kind of put two together in that first step, but I think when you have those big emotions, you're pretty much aware that you're having some unusually high emotion that is grabbing your attention. But it wouldn't hurt to say just, I'm having big feelings right now. I'm having big emotions. I know when we say that with our kids, it's super helpful. Oh my gosh, she's got really big feelings right now. A great cue for us to know what position we need to move into to help our child with deal with those feelings. So you could do that too. You could say, Oh, I'm having some really big feelings right now. Step number one would be to name them. Name the state instead of I'm losing it or I'm a mess. Do you hear the judgment in that? I want you instead to gently ask yourself, what am I feeling? Here's the key. I want you to choose only one word. I know that's hard. You're gonna want to give a big summary of it, and it's fine. The more you talk about it, the better, actually. But what you're looking for is what's the name of the feeling that I've got? Not a perfect word, not the best word, just the first honest word that feels like it fits. Is it anger? Is it fear? Is it sadness? Is it overwhelm? Shame, panic. That's it. Just one word.

This tiny act of naming moves you from reactive to awareness. It doesn't just move you in that direction behaviorally by what you're doing, it also moves you to a different part of your brain. When you ask that question, what am I feeling? A different part of your brain lights up. Neuroscience research has shown us that when we label those emotions, what researchers call affect labeling, it actually reduces the activity in the amygdala. That's that threat detection center of the brain. Because it increases activation in our prefrontal cortex, you're asking a question from your upper rational brain. And that is the same part of your brain that's responsible for reasoning and regulation and control. So when you're overwhelmed by your feelings, you're in the lower part of your brain. And when you say, What is it that I'm feeling? and you name it, you activate the upper part of your brain. Super simple. Brain science, it's not so simple when they study it and they get down to all of the neurotransmitters that make this happen. But for our purposes, it doesn't get simpler than that. We're moving you from bottom processes to upper processes. And the emotional intensity decreases and the thinking and the regulation part of your brain comes back online. That's what we're praying for when we're in the middle of a really big emotional storm.

Even more fascinating, studies show that affect labeling works even when you don't intend it to calm yourself down. The brain just shifts automatically just by naming the feeling. So when you say, I'm overwhelmed, instead of I'm a mess, you're literally changing what's happening in your brain. And then you can see it. Because when you can see it, it's no longer kind of eating you alive. You're no longer drowning in the emotion. You are now observing it. And that is powerful. Anytime you can observe something, that means the higher part of you is now participating in this process. Okay, step number two, I want you to move the energy. Here's something most people don't understand about emotions. They are energy in the body and they need movement to release. Did you know that? Most of us are so focused on changing our thinking and not acting. And that's because our emotions are pushing us to act as a response to those big feelings. And a lot of times those big feelings are anger or fear feelings or sad feelings. So the behavior that we tend to want to do in those moments don't match our values. They're not useful to us or helpful to us. And that's great when you know that. But the problem is you still have this revved engine going on inside of you. And just trying to talk it out isn't often enough to discharge that energy.

Trauma researcher Peter Levine discovered that animals in the wild constantly face life-threatening situations, and yet they don't walk around with trauma symptoms the way that we do as humans. And that's because he thinks after the threat passes, animals physically discharge the survival energy that was in their body from all those big emotions by trembling or by shaking or by just running and jumping and moving really fast. Now, we as humans, we often tend to freeze the energy inside of our bodies instead of releasing it. So the study of somatic experiencing research helps us recognize that we need to move our bodies when we feel this way. Nothing complicated, just one or two simple things. Like you could shake out your arms and hands. You could press your feet really firmly into the ground where you're putting the pressure on your heels and the balls of your feet with a tension on that. You could put one hand on your heart and one on your belly and do some deep breathing. Sometimes I don't know if that's even active enough right at first, but for some people that's all they need. You could go and splash cool water on your wrists and think what has to happen when you go to do that. You have to walk to the sink, you have to turn something on, you have to put your hands under the water and you start to feel that cool water on your wrist. So there's a temperature shift. Some people like to do jumping jacks. I think just the simple idea of going for a walk outside, even around down your driveway and back or around your backyard, or even just pacing back and forth for a few minutes.

I want you to think about a tiger who's been frightened and the heart is racing and the breathing is fast. You can see this even in your cats. If you have a cat, when they get scared or excited or upset, they'll often dart back and forth and run really crazily around the house. This is a discharge of energy. And once you do that, I always want you to then take a slow, deep inhale and a longer, slower exhale. That literally calms your vagus nerve in your body and it tells your body that you're safe and that you're allowed to let go of the tension or that energy that you've been holding. So when I feel overwhelmed, I'll shake out my hands like I'm flipping a water off them. It tells my nervous system that I'm not stuck, or I'll go for a quick walk. Sometimes I'll just stand up and stretch my arms way up high in the air and stretch a little bit. What point I want to make here is that these are not like party tricks. They're literal tools. This is the coolest new science I think that we have in psychology and study of the brain. We're no longer just trying to talk ourselves through things. We're working with the body as well. And this works because it speaks the language your nervous system understands sensation, movement, and then ultimately that feeling of safety. It helps your body remember where it is in this moment right now, and also that you're in charge and helping that calm come back.

Okay, step three. I want you to offer compassionate language. I think this now is a very important part to notice that you are using your upper brain. Remember how I said we can't just try to talk ourselves out of it? That's because we have to discharge the energy. First, we just name it, we let it be. We acknowledge and accept that it's there, that we're having it. Ideally, without judgment, without shame, we're just like, man, I am overwhelmed. I am so angry. And then we let the emotion, that energy, move in our bodies. And then we can get to the language. I want you to start thinking about speaking to yourself the way that you would speak to someone that you love. Novel concept, I know, but when we need to apply to ourselves so desperately. Say quietly or out loud, this makes sense, I'm upset. Anyone in my situation would feel this. I'm here. This is gonna pass. I'm safe enough. If I were upset and you came and sat next to me and said these things to me, I would immediately calm down.

When you say this makes sense, you're upset, there's no argument. When you say someone else would feel this way, I understand I would feel this way, I don't feel alone. When you say I'm here with you, I feel safe. This isn't positive thinking. This is compassion. When you do it for someone else, it's called compassion. When you do it for yourself, it's called self-compassion. And research shows that self-compassion reduces our perceived stress. It actually lowers our cortisol levels. That's the adrenaline that you feel inside. And it increases our emotional resilience over time, which means we get better and better at it. People with higher self-compassion show lower sympathetic nervous system activation. That's that threat system that goes off. That means it happens to you less frequently and greater parasympathetic activation, which means you know how to calm yourself better faster. And that promotes all of our recovery when we have tough times.

Self-criticism, on the other hand, keeps the stress response very activated. Think about what happens when your child is upset. And if you say, stop crying, you're ridiculous, get over it, they're going to feel worse. At the very least, their fear level will be higher, their shame level will be high. Maybe their behavior will stop, but they've not been able to really discharge that emotion and return back to normal. This builds trauma in other people, and it builds trauma in us. So you want to be able to say to yourself and to others, I see you. This is hard. I'm right here. When we offer ourselves that language, our nervous system softens. So self-compassion is the bravest, most courageous, strongest thing you could do. It is not weakness. It's our most powerful nervous system regulators that we have.

Okay, your big emotions, they don't mean you're failing. Let's reiterate that. They mean the opposite. They mean you've given a lot, you're maxed out in this moment, you care deeply, you still care even when you get upset, you've been holding too much for whatever amount of time that made your cup run over, that made you overflow. Your emotions are not the enemy. They're information, they're data. And when you meet them with gentleness instead of judgment, something incredible happens. They just soften on their own. I've worked with so many moms who say, I just need to get it together. I need to stop being so emotional. And what I tell them is, you're not too emotional. You're a human being with a nervous system that has been working overtime to keep everything and everyone safe. Of course, you feel big emotions. You've got a huge responsibility. The question isn't how do I make the stop? The question is how do I meet myself with compassion when I feel overwhelmed? That's the question, my friends. We must ask ourselves that question instead of the punishing, shameful one.

So here's what this might look like. Like in real life. You're in the kitchen. Your kid just spilled juice all over the floor. You just cleaned, or sub in any of a hundred issues that put us over the edge. These things don't happen in isolation, they happen stacked and they trigger our overwhelm. And suddenly we feel angry, tearful, or complete explosion rising up inside of us. The old response, I can't handle this. What's wrong with me? I'm such a mess. New response, are you listening? I'm overwhelmed. Step number one, shake out your hands, hug yourself, walk to the other side of the room. Get a drink of water. Press your feet into the floor. That's step number two. You're moving the energy, you're allowing it to escape your body in a healthy, safe way. And then finally, step number three, speak to yourself with compassion. This makes sense. I'm feeling overwhelmed. Anyone would feel this right now. I'm gonna stick with myself. I'm safe.

That's it. Maybe 30 seconds. It doesn't make the stress disappear. You still have to clean up the juice that spilled or whatever that thing is that felt like it bumped you over the edge. It doesn't solve all the problems, but it shifts you from dysregulation where you're stuck in your lower brain, to a sense of calm and confidence that you can decide what you're gonna do next. Does this seem too simple? For years I thought it was too simple. Hundreds of books I've got talking about emotions and regulation, a thousand hours at least of trainings I've attended, science-backed efforts to try to figure out how do we stop feeling how we're feeling. You guys, the answer is so simple. We don't stop trying to be perfect. You're not built that way. I'm not built that way. You're built to have ups and downs in your emotions. You're not a bad mom. You're not a bad person. Your kids aren't either when they're going up and down with their emotions. Of course, you're gonna want to do things that go against your values when those emotions are big. This is why we're looking at shifting into our upper brain so that you're making those decisions from a calmer place. Give yourself some space to try these simple steps. I'm grateful that they are as simple as they are.

So as we close, let me leave you with this. You are not too sensitive, you're not too emotional, you're not too much, you're doing a lot. And I don't know if anybody has ever reminded you of this, but your darling little children, whom you love and adore and do anything for, how precious they are, their value is so clear, just as it was when you were just a few years ago. You're no different than they are. You deserve that much love and attention and care. And I know you're gonna feel so much better as you practice giving it to yourself. Thanks for letting me talk to you about all this important stuff. I wish I could see every single one of you, give you a hug, and tell you you are doing such great, important work. And I believe in you. Take care of yourselves, please. I'll talk to you next week. You can always find me on Instagram @LeighGermann or on my website at LeighGermann.com.

The Leadership Parenting Podcast is for general information purposes only. It is not therapy and should not take the place of meeting with a qualified mental health professional. The information on this podcast is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition, illness, or disease. It's also not intended to be legal, medical, or therapeutic advice. Please consult your doctor or mental health professional for your individual circumstances. Thanks again and take care.