121. How to Handle Difficult People During the Holidays

Holiday gatherings don’t have to come with a knot in your stomach. In this episode, we dive into a practical, compassionate roadmap for navigating difficult people while staying grounded, clear, and calm.  I walk through the exact steps I use with clients: making a real choice about where you spend time, running physical and emotional safety checks, and separating clean boundaries from hidden scripts that hand your happiness to someone else. If you’re ready to step into the holidays with confidence and warmth, this conversation offers a steady hand and real tools you can use at the very next holiday gathering.

If you'd like to get the show notes for this episode, head to:

 https://leighgermann.com

Transcript

The holidays are coming, and with them, that knot in our stomachs about difficult people we have to be around. Today I'm showing you how to unravel that knot so you can walk into the season grounded, steady, and free from the mental fight that's been draining you for years. This is Leadership Parenting: How to Handle Difficult People During the Holidays.

Did you know that resilience is the key to confidence and joy? As moms, it's what we want for our kids, but it's also what we need for ourselves. My name is Leigh Germann. I'm a therapist and I'm a mom. Join me as we explore the skills you need to know to be confident and joyful. Then get ready to teach these skills to your kids. This is Leadership Parenting, where you learn how to lead your family by showing them the way.

Hello, friends, and welcome back to our Leadership Parenting podcast. The holidays are upon us. I'm already hearing the stress starting to build. And this is what I hear: I have to spend time with people I don't get along with. I don't feel comfortable. I'm already dreading it.

And listen, I get it. The sister who one-ups you. The mother-in-law who maybe comes in and rearranges things. The brother who picks fights at the dinner table. People are getting actual knots in their stomachs about who they'll be around.

So today I want to tackle this head-on. I want to help you move into this season feeling steadier, more peaceful, and especially more clear about who you're with, why you're going, and how you can choose to get some internal peace around those decisions — even if the people that are difficult in your life don’t change at all.

So let’s dive in.

Here is what I want you to hear first. No matter the situation, no matter the holiday, no matter the gathering, no matter the tradition, you get to choose where you spend your time and with whom. You do not need permission to say no.

Now, I don’t know how comfortable you feel with that. Most of the women that I work with are very uncomfortable with that statement. They don’t feel like they get to choose. They feel like there are a lot of obligations.

And I think we all struggle with feelings of obligation. Obligation is that feeling of I have to do something, I should do something, even when you don’t want to. It’s when you feel bound to do it, not because you choose it, but because you think you don’t have a choice. And sometimes it’s because of what we’re afraid will happen if we don’t do that thing. That is a lot of pressure.

I think sometimes when we feel obligated, it’s really because underneath we’re dealing with a value that’s very important to us. It might be family closeness or supporting connection in your family, maybe modeling something like that for your children. It also could be fear — fear of letting someone down, getting caught in an obligation to do something we really don’t want to do because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or make them feel like we don’t care.

And this can get especially tricky when it’s not even our family, but it’s our spouse’s family, and we want to support our spouse.

So the first step is to notice: do you feel a sense of obligation? Remember that statement — you get to choose where you spend your time and with whom. You don’t need permission to say no. And put the opposite way, you don’t have to say yes to everything. If you feel obligated, that’s when we feel trapped.

I want you to get clear on your reason for going. And this might be going to something, or letting someone come into your home. Ultimately, you need a reason. And that reason should do one of two things:
Either it helps you decide not to go because it’s rooted in fear or obligation…or it allows you to go with full commitment and no resentment.

And ultimately, that means no suffering.

Most of us don’t even take time to look at this. We just say, I have to go. This is what our family does. This is what my husband expects. This is what my mother-in-law expects. The reason isn’t even examined.

Here’s what I’ve learned: We shouldn’t go anywhere we don’t want to go. We always have a choice. And when you feel internal struggle, there’s something important to look at there.

It makes sense to do a safety check. And this is your job — to make sure you and your family are in safe situations.

Now, does that sound dramatic? What’s happening is that your nervous system is interpreting the situation as unsafe. And I want you to honestly check that.

Physical safety is usually clear. Unwanted physical touch, roughness, stealing, destruction of property — those are unsafe situations.

Emotional safety can be more subtle. If someone undermines your parenting, criticizes your family, manipulates, lies, or challenges your authority over your own life, that crosses a real line. Those things aren’t just annoying — they’re disrespectful. And most women have an internal alarm when those things happen. Pay attention to that.

So first, we do a physical and emotional safety check. Sometimes we stop there because the situation truly isn’t safe.

Other times, we’re in a gray area. The people aren’t dangerous, but they’re draining, uncomfortable, passive-aggressive, critical, or just hard to be around. And this is where most of the struggle lies.

Here’s what I want you to see in that gray area. Often, what’s really causing our discomfort isn’t them — it’s our expectations about how they should be.

We are like movie directors without realizing it. We carry scripts. We think, If you act this way, I’ll feel loved, accepted, and safe.

At first, I resisted this idea too. I thought, I don’t have scripts for people. I’m not controlling. But then I realized — yes, I did. We all do.

A script is an instruction manual we write for other people. And we suffer when they don’t follow it.

The truth is, people act from their own history, wiring, stress levels, and emotional capacity — not from our preferences.

And in many ways, the shift is this: What if no one is responsible for your happiness but you?

That doesn’t mean you don’t ask for things or set boundaries — you absolutely should. But your well-being can’t depend on whether others meet your expectations.

If a stranger disapproved of you, you probably wouldn’t let it shake your identity. So why does it have so much power when it’s someone close to you?

The hard truth is: not everyone in your family is capable of being part of your inner circle. And that’s painful. But it’s also freeing.

So if the person is safe enough to be around, then the work becomes internal. Can you let them be who they are without making them responsible for your emotional state?

When you release the script, something opens. The struggle softens. You take your power back. And in some cases, the relationship even starts to heal.

So here is the work:

First: Do a safety check. If it’s unsafe, set a boundary — even say no.

Second: Decide if you want to go or have someone come. This is your choice. Be clear on your reason.

Third: Take responsibility for your own happiness. Let go of the conditions others have to meet for you to feel okay.

This is not easy work. I practice it too. But when you lay down the mental fight, you gain peace, freedom, and power. You are not doing this for them. You’re doing this for you.

I hope this helps you feel more powerful and peaceful this holiday season. That is the goal — peace, calm, and confidence. You deserve that.

Thank you for spending time with me. I’ll talk to you next week.

If these ideas speak to you but you’re not sure how to apply them, you don’t have to do it alone. I’m opening a few one-to-one coaching spots for moms who are ready for personalized support in building resilience. Visit leighgermann.com and click on one-to-one coaching to set up a free call.

You can also find me on Instagram at @leighgermann.

The Leadership Parenting Podcast is for general information only. It is not therapy and not a substitute for working with a licensed professional. Please consult your provider for your individual needs.

Thanks again — and take care.